Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was ou 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??  WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND opressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting bach and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!  Unfortunately, I have yet to expain to Julie what that butn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping jGracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately ont he bridge of my nose, direction in one hadn, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-secong burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle sparms and a major loss of bodily control. a three-second burst would purportedly make your assialant flop ont he ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasking the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!

'What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?  I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say: 'don't do it shit'.  Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad, I decided to give myself a one second burst fust for the heck of it.  I couched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed th button, and ......OH MY ......WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION....WHAT THE HELL!!!  I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

vaguely recall waking up on my side int he fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body, in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?  The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body floppingall over the living room.  NOTE; If you ever feel compelled to'mug' yourself witha  taser, onenote of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... A three second burst would be considered conservative?  SON-OF-A-......, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were ont he mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thing, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shopup with Novacain, and my bottom lip weighted 88 lbs. - had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

(I'm sorry to say that I don't know where this story came from or the name of the author.  I received this through an e-mail from a relative. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.  One other thing, from the description of the gun and it's effect, I am pretty sure he had a stun gun and not a taser).